madhusudana @ His Lotus Feet

The beginning of my story, below, first appeared in the book “I Am Yours” published by Ananda Marga Archives Department in 2004.

I was initiated on April 18, 1971 in Philadelphia. A retreat was held in an old Quaker meetinghouse. I went because my roommate at college told me there would be some “realized soul” who can answer all your problems, and I was having a lot of problems at that time.

I had been very opposed to yoga and meditation and used to argue with people about how useless it was. But on this day, I was in a very contemplative mood, and my roommate said to me, “Why don’t you come to the yoga retreat?”, and I thought “Well, why not? But I’m not going to join, I’m just going to watch.”

As soon as I walked in the building – the retreat had not even started yet – I was hit by this vibration that I couldn’t understand. It was like going through a door into another unverse. All of a sudden you’re in the clouds. It was something very strange. I started talking with Margiis there, and I was so inspired by them, and thought, “I don’t’ know who these people are and what they are doing, but they must be doing something right.”

I had been studying philosophy for years in college and I had come up with some new theories that I couldn’t find anyone who could understand them, even my professors. But the Margiis were already talking about these very same ideas. When I explained some of my ideas to one of the Margiis there, he said that I didn’t have to read their philosophy books because I already knew it.

So, not only did I find people who understood these new ideas I was having, but there was a whole organization dedicated to those principles. I was overwhelmed. But I couldn’t understand anyting about meditation and yoga. It didn’t make any sense to me.

I was waiting for this “holy man” to show up and solve all my problems. I expected a man in robes with a long gray beard. But the acarya (Ac. Raghav Prasad) who arrived was a family man, in a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It was very strange.

I didn’t want to do anything. Kiirtan—what was this crazy dance? Meditation, it just gave me a headache. Finally I gave in and went for initiation. I was last in line. The old Margiis were coming for lesson reviews and making the wait longer. It was hot and uncomfortable. I didn’t know what I was doing there and I almost gave up and left. But finally I got initiation, not really understanding much of what was happening to me.

That afternoon we sat in the graveyard behind the meetinghouse which was a couple hundred years old and did meditation. This also seemed very strange to me. But what really impressed me that day was a lecture on Yama and Niyama given by two family Margiis. When they explained the principle of aparigraha, I thought, “This is a really revolutionary organization. If everyone followed this principle, capitalism was going to die.” This meant a lot to me because of my participation in political activism. In those days the Margiis weren’t talking about PROUT but I could understand the political and economic implications of Yama and Niyama.

The retreat was over, and I went back to the political movement. A couple weeks later I was at an anti-war/peace demonstration in Washington, DC and while listening to the speakers there, I thought to myself, “These people are no different from those that they are protesting against. If we want to change the society, we have to change ourselves first and make ourselves represent the kind of world we want to live in.”

I hadn’t gone to dharmacakra for two weeks after initiation, but after I returned from Washington, I got a call from the Ananda Marga unit secretary who said they were having a celebration for Baba’s birthday. His name then was Satiish, but now his name is Ac. Shambhushivananda Avt. If it hadn’t been for that call, I might not be in Ananda Marga today. So I went with my roommate to Baba’s birthday celebration with the other Philadelphia Margiis. We did kiirtan and meditation all day. I can’t say I was terribly inspired, but something vibrated in me.

After that I started attending dharmacakra regularly and doing regular meditation. Then a strange thing started happening to me. Whenever I started thinking about something, it would happen. I’d be sitting on the couch thinking I needed to meet somebody and that person would walk in the door. “This is a very unusual thing, this meditation,” I thought.

After I graduated from the university (a month after my initiation), I found out that Ananda Marga was going to hold it’s first sectorial retreat in Wichita, Kansas. However, I had planned to travel across the country and not attend the retreat. But a day after leaving Philadelphia, the bus I was in broke down. So I got on the road and hitchhiked to Boston and found the jagrti there. I was so inspired by the Margiis there I went with them to the retreat.

At the retreat I met Dada Yatiishvarananda and he completely changed my life. When I went to talk to him about some issue regarding the retreat, he changed the subject and said to me, “You’re going to India in December for teacher training.” I thought, “What? I don’t want to be a teacher. I don’t even know who Baba is.” But I kept my thoughts to myself and just acted politely.

After the retreat I hitchhiked to Colorado where I met some more Margiis who took me to Berkely, California to the Ananda Marga jagrti there where I stayed for two months. During that time the desire came in my mind to go to India so I returned to Philadelphia and prepared to go. It was the first week of December in 1971 (the very day the war between India and Pakistan began) and we were about 15 Margiis going to India together to see Baba. All the Margiis on that trip were planning to go to India for acarya training, except for me. I didn’t really know why I was going, but I felt compelled to go for some reason.

When we arrived in Patna by train from Delhi and immediately went to the Ananda Marga Central Office. I was quite surprised to see a small single floor house with only a few rooms that served as the Central Office. We arrived around sunset, just in time for evening darshan with Baba. After some time many people gathered in front of the building and a chair was prepared on the front porch for Baba to sit in. When Baba came out I thought, “Who is this man?”. I was looking carefully at Him. IN all my travels I had a feeling that Baba was guiding me. But I didn’t know who or what was Baba. So the question I had now was, “Is this the same Baba that has been guiding me?” I was trying to get the vibration and feeling, and I felt, “Yes, this is the same Baba.”

Before Baba came out, all the Margiis were doing kiirtan and that continued when Baba came out and sat in the chair. Baba was smiling and sometimes talking with some of the Margiis or Dadas who were there. Then four boys came out dressed in lungis, tied up just above their knees, carrying blazing torches and daggers. The kiirtan stopped and Baba became very serious. One Dada started the call, “Dancers ready! Ta Ta Dhiin Ta…” and the dance began. Baba sat in a very rigid posture with His head up as if he was watching from under His glasses that glowed orange from the reflection of the torches. This was the first time any of us had seen the tandava dance as Baba had only given it a few weeks before.

The second day Baba himself explained about the tandava dance. During the kiirtan at evening darshan, Baba stopped the kiirtan and called us all to come close to Him. We were about 50 people there all sitting at Baba’s feet. Baba started explaining how the tandava dance is done by pulling a lungi or pants leg above the knees. He pointed to the part of the foot for each call instruction, showing how on the “ta” call one should jump landing with the heel on the ground and on the “dhiin” call, one should jump landing with only the ball of the foot on the ground.

He explained that in the left hand is the symbol of death, such as a skull or snake. In the right hand is held the symbol of life, a weapon (to defend life), such as a dagger or a torch. It is a dance of the forces of light vs. the forces of darkness, life vs. death. Baba said that in western countries you can use a plastic skull or plastic snake if you like.

During those first few days we weren’t allowed to go to morning darshan because we hadn’t had personal contact (PC) with Baba yet. All of us would have to have lessons reviewed, learn 1^st lesson (for those who hadn’t learned it yet), and memorize Yama and Niyama, Sixteen Points (another new item that Baba had just given before our arrival), 15 Shiilas and Supreme Command. We’d never heard of some of this before and I was completely clashed by this. “What is all this stuff?” I asked on Dada. I thought it wasn’t worth going through all this memorization just to see Baba. But everyone else was doing it so finally I got into the flow and learned it too. Dada Pranavananda, who was then Central Office Secretary, reviewed my lessons for me

One of the evening darshans was quite remarkable. During the tandava, He was His normal serious self, but during the kiirtan Baba would look around and search out each Margii and do namaskar them, one by one. Oh, that was nice. Everytime Baba did namaskar to one Margii, they became very blissful. But I didn’t know how I would react if Baba looked at me. I was a little scared. The night before I had a chance to stand very close to Baba during the kiirtan. Baba turned to me and asked, “Did you like the tandava?” I was so shocked that Baba would talk to me. To me, Baba was something incomprehensible, I couldn’t imagine Him actually talking to me. I was speechless. One Dada turned to me and said, “Baba asked if you liked the tandava.” Somehow I woke up from my mystification and said, “Yes, Baba.”

Now I started to become tense and agitated. I was watching the daggers and skulls during the tandava, thinking, “Who is Baba, really?” Then I saw that on the wall above and behind Baba was a lizard about a foot long. I had been somewhat interested in the occult, and the lizard is an occult symbol. Then I started to get really afraid. The thought came in my mind in a flash, “Baba is Shiva. He’s come to destroy the world.” I became terrified and my body was shaking.

Just then, Baba looked at me smiling and did namaskar to me. I don’t know what happened then. All I remember was, I heard the answer to my thought come from Him in my mind and it said, “Yes, you are right. But don’t worry about it. It’s going to be OK.”

At that moment, Baba took all the fear out of me and converted it into bliss. For many years I had been very worried about nuclear destruction and the end of the world. But at that moment, Baba took all that fear out of my mind. After that I just started crying uncontrollably, and that went on for a couple hours. I was so overwhelmed. I never forgot that lesson. Baba took a very big burden from me that day.

After that I got PC. We all finally passed the test. It was ekadashi (fasting day), and we were all lined up waiting to go into Baba’s room. But Baba sent out a message that said we should finish the fasting day and we would get PC the next day. We had never done fasting before. Though many of the 16 points were given in Caryacaraya, they hadn’t been so formalized. We had to learn a lot of new things, like laungota, half bath, fasting without water, etc. The next day was December 15 and the brothers all lined up for PC outside Baba’s room in the jagriti. One by one they went in and came out with such bliss on their faces. I was really nervous. When I went into the room, I saw Baba reclining on a bed on the far side of the room.

He said, “Come here, come here, sit down little boy.” I didn’t want to come so close, but Baba had me sit right at the side of the bed. Baba said, “What is your name, little boy? And who is your father?” Why does He want to know who my father is? I was puzzled.

Then I said, not knowing what I was saying or where it was coming from, “You are my father.” It was like Baba was talking to Himself through me.

Baba replied, “Yes, and you are my son,” and He rubbed His hand on my cheeks. I was in some kind of daze. It was the softest thing I had ever felt in my life, almost like wind, not the touch of a person. He continued, “Little boy, what do you want to do in this life?” I replied, “I want to do something good, to help people.”

Baba challenged me, “Do you have the moral courage to do this?” “Yes, Baba” I replied. I had no idea what moral courage was and why Baba was asking this question. I learned that later over many years. Baba then touched me on the forehead. “Ok, you can go,” He said.

Was that all? I got up and went to open the door, forgetting that it was locked. When it didn’t open, the guard on the other side began to open the door while I was pulling on it, and then the door opened unexpectedly and he me on my forehead. I turned around and looked at Baba. He had such a compassionate look on His face. It was so amazing.

Baba’s words to me were so simple, but they come back to me often. I learned that when you try to do something good, you face so many obstacles, and you need moral courage to overcome them.